[doctorpimp]

Customer walks into his local barbers and asks the chap for his hair cut like Brad Pitt.

"Not a problem young man" replys the barber, as his customer setles back into the chair, and breaks out the clippers.

About 10 minutes later the Customers got no hair left - bald to the bone, and obviously pissed off

"BRAD PIT DOESN'T HAVE 'EFFING HIS HAIR CUT LIKE THIS!!" he screams

to which the barber folds his arms and replys...



"He woud if he came here"

[scots77]

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy during her period?
You get your palm red for free.


Newly weds turn up at hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
The receptionist asks do you have reservations?
Bride replies Im a bit worried about taking it up the arse.


Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it happened as the result of a misunderstanding when Playboy offered Colleen £100000 to shave her cunt...


What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?

They both have frozen assets


What does do women and milk cartons have in common?

You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

[dft68]

Man picks up a chinese girl in disco & takes her home. She says "Me so horny me do anything for u" he says "How about a 69?" She says "U fuck off me no cooking at this time of nite!!!"

[dft68]

A priest books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just normal porn. You sick bastard."

[dft68]

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban & is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind the men. A year later she returns & is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces behind women. She asked the interpreter "what brought about the change?" He replied "land mines!"

[DM]

"There's no excuse for raping someone, unless of course they won't have sex with you in which case how else are you supposed to have an orgasm inside their body?" - Louis C.K.

[mrkbrws]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.[/font]

[dft68]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

[dft68]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[dft68]

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'